We've all heard it. We've all marveled. We've all looked our heads asking, "what the hell is that". I'm talking about that great "Head On" commercial that is currently flooding cable TV. Well, if you are inquisitive, search no more. You've come to the right place for an answer.
As part of my community service sentence for pleading "no contest" to a fire truck tailgating incident – I admit I have a thing about fires, but for cryin 'out loud, I was only on a Segue at the time – I have to write one article of import that enlightens the public on a pressing social issue. So, I have chosen to inform the public on the proper use of "Head On". Can there be any question more burning? I do not think so.
To get to the bottom of this, I thought I'd go first to our favorite celebrities. They know everything, so it only follows that I should ask them first. Well, let me tell you, what I discovered is not only shocking, but also downright explosive.
Stars do not know crap! How about them apples? You will not read that in People Magazine. Yup, they are dumber than a goober in your hair, with one exception. More on that later.
I simply asked each of them, "What do you use 'Head On' for?" Here are their revealing answers. You be the judge.
"Joel used it to protect against bodily injuries resulting from head on auto accidents." that at this time as Mr. Joel is currently engaged in a nasty personal injury lawsuit against the manufacturer.
Don Imus – "Um … Diedre … (inaudible) … Imus Ranch … eyebrows growing … Wyatt … (cough, wheeze) … forehead hair removal … (oxygen tank noise ) … greening and cleaning … (flat line sound) … (electric shock paddles) … click "
Mel Gibson – "It eliminates hangovers but unfortunately it has a few troubles troubling side effects of which I am highly susceptible to one. my untimely, little indiscretion. If I use it again, it will only be at Aryan Brotherhood sleep-over, barbeques. "
Tom Cruise – "It actually is a very important part of the Scientology ritual known as the" Hubbard Head Meld. "Katie dabs a little" Head On "to my forehead. It creates an opening through which our spirits mingle in joy and couch-jumping euphoria. I know. It sounds crazy does not it? Look, think of it as a Vulcan mind meld, but for real. "
Paris Hilton – "It's like the best thing for … can I say like 'oral sex'? I like had heard enough)
Donald Trump – "Well, it's quite a fantastic story really. Of course, my gorgeous wife, Melania, who happens to be the most beautiful woman on the planet and who happened to produce the most important child on Earth, maybe since Jesus Christ, told me about "Head On" first. She said it helps to humble the ego and that I could use a little. but she also has the finest tiny-brain in the world. But it's the best part, it does wonders for my hair. in the street. Everyone wants it. Is that fantastic or what? I'm pure gold. "
Joan Rivers – "It prevails aging darling. A little on the forehead, a little on the cheeks, a swatch on the chin and neck, and you do not need surgery. Thank you, 'Head On.' "
Russell Crowe – "Yeah. Finally, something I can f * @ kin 'throw at f * @ kin' paparazzi that comes with f * @ kin 'instructions. F * @ k Off!"
Oh, those wacky stars, they can not help but make us smile.
Any, expecting to find some thread of commonality in their answers (Paris, you big nut, that means "like being the same; like different not"), I was surprised to hear such conflicting results. It begged the question, one of them must be right, but who?
To ignore the truth, I went directly to the manufacturer. At first, they cave me quite the run-around. Apparently, it is a well-guarded secret. Well, they underestimated this brain. It just required a little, good old American ingenuity and perseverance. Posing as an out-of-work, undocumented worker from the country of New Jersey, I got the inside scoop from Senior Shipping Clerk, Robby Bob Roberts, during my job interview with him. But rather than tell you what Rob Bob said, I'll let the star, who got it right, tell you in her own words.
Anne Heche – "It blocks the gravitational pull of abduction rays emitted by alien space ships."
Of course it does! Anne, if anyone should have known that, it is you.
The next time the ad comes on, watch it closely. You'll slap your forehead in Anne-Heche-is-God disbelief. Thank you Anne, and thank you Rob Bob for setting us straight!
To the other stars: next time you're near a UFO, you crazy kids, please do not use the product.